"If we don't
succeed, we run the risk of failure."
"I have opinions of my own --
strong opinions --but I don't always agree with them."
|"I'm honored to shake the hand
of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cuff off by Saddam Hussein."
"It may be tempting and more comfortable
to just keep your head down, plod along, and appease those who
demand: 'Sit down and shut up,' but that's the worthless, easy
path; that's a quitter's way out." --Sarah Palin, announcing her
resignation as governor, July 3, 2009
"If the terriers and bariffs are
torn down, this economy will grow."
"My job is to, like, think beyond the
"As for that VP talk all the time, I'll
tell you, I still can't answer that question until somebody
answers for me what is it exactly that the VP does every day?"
"I understand small-business growth. I was one."
"Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?" -- Steven Wright
"The word "genius" isn't applicable
in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
-Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst
"It's no exaggeration to say that the
undecideds could go one way or another."
-George Bush, US President
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How
much clean air do we need?"
"I was provided with additional input that
was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
-Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony
"Men, I want you just thinking of one word
all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
-Bill Peterson, football coach
"Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small
state. It is a state that is by itself. It is a --it is different from the other 49
states. Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique
-Dan Quayle, US VP
"Fiction writing is great. You can make up
-Ivana Trump, upon finishing her first novel
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply
exclude certain types of people."
-Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor
"We are ready for an unforseen event that may
or may not occur."
"If you're killed, you've lost a very
important part of your life."
"A day without sunshine is like, you know,
"It isn't pollution that's harming the
environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's
"It is wonderful to be here in the great
state of Chicago..."
"We're going to turn this team around 360
"The people in the Navy look on motherhood as
being compatible with being a woman."
-Rear Admiral James R. Hogg
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've
"Antidotes are what you take to prevent
I put Instant Coffee in a Microwave and went back in time.
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes".
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a
man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, 'Give me two boys and a girl'.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
I went to a fancy French restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I
eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to
cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible be like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.
As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' --
probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
I am at two with nature.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying.
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.
I don't believe in the after life,
although I am bringing a change of underwear.
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
Famous Last Words:
Gen. John Sedgewick:
Union commander in the American Civil War, shot at the Battle of Spotsylvania Court House in 1864 while looking over a parapet at the enemy lines
"They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist..."
"C'mon ya wimps, one more beer, it's open ocean out there, what're we gonna hit?" -- Captain Hazelwood, Exxon Valdez
"Luke, I lied. Bill Shatner is your real father."
-- Darth Vader
"A-four and a-three and a-two and a-one..." -- Lawrence Welk
"Don't worry about the Rover. That's no cliff." -- NASA techie
"And now that I'm running my life support equipment through Windows 95, I'll never have to worry about-- beeeeeeeep..."
"I eat guys like you for breakfast!" -- Jeffrey Dahmer
"How's he gonna read that magazine rolled up like that?" -- insect
"No, dude, this stuff is completely natural and safe, man. That's why it's called 'herbal.'"
"Dammit, Lizzie, get off your fat lazy ass and cut me some firewood!" -- Mr. Borden
"How many frickin' times do I have to say, 'In the form of a question', people?!?" -- Alex Trebek
"Yoko, why don't *you* try to sing one?"
"Took your parking space??? Well at least *I* didn't murder my wife and an innocent waiter!"
"Gotti, Schmotti -- Get the Hell off my lawn!"
"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."
Room service? Send up a larger room."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five."
"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others."
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates
me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."
"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."
"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac."
"I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?"
"There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that."
"I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own."
"The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney..."
"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."
"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with."
"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."
"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
"For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off."
"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' "
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches."
"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps."
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
"A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree."
"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff."
"I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet."
"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper."
"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
"My neighbor asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden."
| "I feel so miserable
without you, it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge" - Thomas Brackett Reed
"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them." - James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." - Oscar Wild
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in reply